COLUMN: Santa meets the elf inspector by Owd Jud

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I’ve alluz loved Christmas.

I say alluz. There were that period when Noel Edmonds infected televisions on Christmas Day wi’ iz pullovvers.

I’d go in kitchen and stuff turkey. That meant Gert just had to kill it and pluck it.

Best times were when kids were young and I will admit I spent too much money on decs and lights.

One year Mary, are eldest, asked me questions about every decoration ont tree and I made up little stories about each one. What follows is the last story.

We all know that this time o’ year Santa’s rate bizzy. Despite iz army of elves, ‘elpers and reindeer in Lapland summat alluz cocks things up.

For a start, the Elf and Safety Inspector sent by 
local council found reindeer droppins in canteen and 
immediately shut it down.

An’uge row broke out 
between Donner and 
Rudolph with the latter walkin’ away wi’ iz nose inflamed after Donner threw a left hoof when ‘e’d bin accused o’ mekkin mess wi’ ‘iz kebab.

‘e said it weren’t iz but all the other reindeers said is was Donners Kebab.

Ware’ouse were backing up wi’ orders after Elfish Presley brought a crate o’ shandy in and ended up chasing lady elf’s wi a sprig o’ mistletoe but woss were still to come.

Just as Santa Claus were beginin’ to restore some semblance of order (e’d confiscated Elfish’s shandy) Mrs Claus appeared wi’ a new ‘aircut and a broad grin across ‘er face.

“My mother is coming to stay for Christmas,” she announced. “Isn’t that wonderful!”

Everythin’ stopped. Tha’ could ‘ere a pin drop as the elves waited for Santa’s reaction.

It were ‘ard to tell whether expression that came across ‘is face was a smile or wind.

“That’s wonderful,” ‘e said through clenched teeth and buttocks.

By now it were time to harness the reindeer and leave but there were no 
sign o’ Donner and 
Rudolph.

Somebody said they 
were getting’ medical treatment.

Santa ran around to the Elf Centre and there he found the two missin’ reindeer.

Rudolph ‘ad ‘is ‘nose in a bowl of ice in an attempt to get the swellin’ down.

Dasher, wi’ ‘is hoof bandaged, ‘obbled around swearin’ under ‘iz breath.

When they saw Santa they hurried to the 
sleigh and put on their 
harnesses.

It was at this point that Santa discovered ‘e’d gorra a faulty load.

The Elf Inspector stood wi’ ‘iz clipboard tut tuttin’ as the load o’ toys and 
gifts were reloaded on 
sleigh and strapped tightly down.

By now Santa was runnin’ late and ‘e were close to explodin’.

‘e jumped on board and let off ‘and brake and just as ‘e’s about to set off, a delivery van pulls inter yard wi’ its ‘orn blowin’ and lights flashin’.

The van were driven by a little angel and she jumped from the van wi’ a big smile on ‘er face.

“Happy Christmas, Happy Christmas Santa! I LOVE Christmas! I’ve got your Christmas tree on the van. Where would you like me to stick it?”

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.