The trouble with pets is they keep avoiding paying tax

Steve N Allen
Steve N Allen

It has been a week of controversial policies, writes Steve N Allen

First the Conservative Party put forward plans for us to keep working till we are 75.

Then Labour have said they would ban people from having monkeys as pets.

Bang goes my plan to be retired at 70 having tea brought to me by a monkey butler.

There are some animals you should not have as pets.

When I see videos of people in America who have tigers as pets I always think, 'how bad is your mouse problem?'

My general rule is that you should never own a pet that is higher up the food chain than you are.

You don't want an animal in your home that thinks of you as its Brexit stockpile.

READ THIS: There is no escape from Brexit talk.

Labour would ban the ownership of all primates as pets including lemurs, marmosets and capuchins.

If you want a primate that you can dress up as you like and take pictures of it to bore people on Facebook, just have a child.

There will be many who agree with this policy because there';s already a campaign to give some animals the same rights as humans.

I don't know if that means they could own us as pets but if a dog wants to follow me round the park clearing up my mess I am all for it.

Campaigners say that dolphins should have human rights because they are intelligent.

Intelligence can't be the only thing that gives you rights or I have worked with some people who would be classified as food.

If animals are to get the same rights as humans then they should have the same responsibilities.

They should have to pay tax

And I have a bad feeling they we won't get a penny of tax out of dolphins.

They keep their assets off-shore.